Flexibility Is The Key In a Great Relationship!

By October 10, 2016 August 7th, 2019 Articles
NLP Training blog

Flexibility Is The Key In a Great Relationship!

I’ve found myself writing alot about relationships lately because I believe I’ve partnered with a woman who truly wants to BECOME a better person, not for me,  but to become a more open and communicative individual…   

( at least I believe she does…   Right honey?  LOL )

This week I was having this conversation with a fellow student and friend about her relationship and what she wanted, what she valued and what she believed about her significant other. And it’s interesting that she ‘wants’ what she wants but is unwilling to make the changes she needs to make to get what she wants…  huh?

Does that make sense?  Because if you change the way you look at the world, the world around you will change!

Most of us… MOST,  want to be in a happy, healthy and committed relationship (whatever that means to you).
But why are most of us not willing to make that shift?  Let me expound on this…

Though we’ve been led to believe, by conditioning over the years through TV, Nursery Rhymes, Story Books and Fairy Tales that once we find this person who we think is perfect for us, then the hard work is over, all will be easy and now we can live ‘happily ever after’ Right? It should all become simple and stress-free because WE’RE IN LOVE… and the other person LOVES US and now everything will be smooth sailing from now on…  After all, if they are perfect for us, shouldn’t everything go just as we’ve been told for all these years?

But this couldn’t be further from the truth…

The reality is, once we find the perfect partner that you want to truly commit to, that’s when the real work begins. Doesn’t it? Because in any healthy relationship it’ll require much introspection, self-analyzation, patience and flexibility from each partner, because change is inevitable!

In order for any relationship to grow and thrive, it’s crucial  that you and your partner be able to adapt, modify and be flexible to the circumstances that arise. Success comes from finding your way around and/or through the challenges that face even the best relationship, isn’t that true, the GOOD and the BAD times together?


The success of any great relationship depends on how flexible you can be within moments of chaos, in an argument or a stressful situation and that depends on what kind of mood you are in that moment.  Those negative emotions arising are usually frustration because it’s not going your way, ever been there before? And left unchecked can escalate into ANGER!  These negative feelings or limiting beliefs are attached to a certain belief or idea about the way it ‘should’ be, or a FEAR of becoming venerable.

We’ve all experienced this feeling of frustration of being stuck or IN-FLEXIBLE and what that leads to… even greater stress or even more conflict and disappointment in your relationship. And we’ve all been on the other side of that as well; the ability of letting go and being FLEXIBLE which ultimately produces peace of mind, tranquility and harmony.

DUMB question…  if you’re in a healthy relationship, which one feels better and leads you to a better outcome?

The ability of being flexible is a conscious choice, and it’s a skill that you must practice repeatedly in your relationships especially when things get challenging.  I tell my students; “practice when its NOT important, because when it becomes important you’ll be ready and skilled!”

Often, many of us choose the path of ‘resistance’ and ‘refusal’ to change or admit we’re wrong because we equate being flexible with settling or weakness.  

But it’s actually the opposite! You can still remain resolute in your values and your beliefs just choosing to be open to someone else’s ideas and what’s important to them.

I’ve known ( and dated)  individuals that just cannot LET GO to get what they want because of their own PRIDE!  Sad isn’t it? They allow something as harmful as pride get in their way of happiness.

Here’s my motto: Swallow your pride – get what you want!

Once you acknowledge someone else’s viewpoint and perspective, you’re opening up to another level of emotional mastery. And once you can do that you’re operating from a more powerful and proactive position. It will get reciprocated because your partner will undoubtedly respect and admire you more for moving your values aside for the moment to respect their map of the world.


Our attachment to Things, to Ideas, and to certain Views can make us rigid and unyielding. By letting go of these attachments, we are not denying our beliefs and values, we are simply giving up the reigns that we must control every aspect of them.

This practice is known as non-attachment, and it doesn’t mean being non-emotional but actually the opposite. It means being firm in your outcome but not attached to it.  KNOW what you want and then be indifferent to whether it shows up as YOU think it should.

Non-attached simply means you are not holding on, not grasping so tightly that you cannot see anything else. When you become non-attached, expectations and emotions will no longer control your life. And you will have a new sense of clarity that allows you to see the truth that lies at the heart of the matter, which ultimately helps you be more flexible with your partner.

I know this from a very specific incident in my life. I was attached to an outcome so much so I was blinded to what was actually better for me. And when I finally LET GO of the way I believed it was to show up, the RIGHT opportunity revealed itself. 

You see, you cannot make room for the right relationship in your life if you’re ATTACHED to the wrong one, it’s the old adage;  “it’s like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole!”  Get it?


Being Right, feels great doesn’t it?  When we are right, we feel good about ourselves. We feel validated and we feel that we have sound judgment. Granted, those are all positive things. But what do we get out of being right when we are in a relationship?

The need to be right usually leads to the need to WIN in an argument. And the need to win an argument means someone has to lose.  If you’re controlled by your Ego, (the Ego does not want to LOSE) it wants to WIN so it fights until the other person gives up or concedes or worst, we beat them down so we can feel better about ourselves. But if you’re in a healthy committed relationship and truly care about your partner, why would you want them to lose?

In the end, YOU lose as well. In any great relationship it requires compromise. Though so many sacrifice their values and beliefs for the sake of the relationship and the success of the relationship is NOT you’re ultimate outcome… it’s for BOTH of you to feel FULFILLED within the relationshp!  

It’s saddening when someone gives up what’s most important to themselves and just goes along with what their partner wants, it’s a loss of your personal integrity.  If you’re on different pages, the person ‘giving in’ all the time feels they’re sacrificing their core values, even at an unconscious level, and with that comes a sense of resentment, and a LACK of shared values only leads to continuous arguments and ongoing frustrations which will ultimately lead to the demise of the relationship.

When you let go of your need to be right, you open yourself up to a nurturing, encouraging and exciting space where both can learn and grow together. This also creates a safe space within the relationship where both can go to and feel you can trust the other to engage in empathetic listening. This is how you develop effective communication skills.


Many of us believe that in order for a relationship to work we must have the same interests, pastimes and hobbies as our partner. But nothing could be further from reality. What we really want to be focusing on is ensuring our partner shares our same VALUES.

Values are our principles and ‘rules of life’ that we deem MOST IMPORTANT to us.  They are much more than personal beliefs, values guide and dictate our decisions on a daily basis. They are a critical, core component of who you are as a person.

They play such a vital role in every aspect of your life and they operate at an unconscious level, outside or our conscious awareness. They literally shape the course of your life…  they are that important!

Know this… your life as you know it TODAY has been shaped solely by every single decision you’ve made up to this point in your life, and every decision you’ve made has been influenced exclusively by your VALUES – what’s most important to you.

Values shape the choices you make, how you manage situations, the responses you generate and who you choose to spend time with, especially the expectations you have about what life ‘should’ be like.  

When someone respects and honors your values, you feel safe and secure. THEY GET YOU!  Correct?   You also acknowledge their internal map of their world and reciprocate their gestures. You’re more willing to feel venerable and stretch yourself each time testing the waters for safety. The more your stretch, the more you grow, the safer you are in the relationship. With safety and growth you feel you can conquer the world together. 

In summary, acknowledge your values, ask yourself WHATS MOST IMPORTANT TO ME in my relationships, and once you know that ask your partner what they value most so you can both understand ahead of time what values you are willing to comprise on together for the benefit of you both feeling fulfilled,  GOT IT? 

I’d love your feedback.

Success, John

AND if your interested in attending the most powerful self-development workshop check out this! 

John James Santangelo PhD

Author John James Santangelo PhD

John James Santangelo PhD - nationally acclaimed speaker, author, seminar leader, and business results coach, has been a guiding force in empowering individuals, businesses, and corporations to excel at peak performance. John is a foremost authority in success principles and expert in the field of communication; an NLP trainer and clinical hypnotherapist. He has worked with companies such as The Learning Annex, Los Angeles Sheriffs Dept., Mary Kay Inc, Multiple-Sclerosis Society, Make-A-Wish Foundation, Well-Point, Xerox, RE/MAX Realtors, the Teamsters Union, and the US Army counter-intelligence team. Whether you’re looking to fulfill short/long term goals, increase your sales performance, or hire John for your next event, John will help you achieve that success! Visit www.LANLP.com or call (818) 879-2000

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